Faqs On Sex

FAQ's on SEX

Thursday, 17 March 2005

"GET STUFFED, anyway,you're fridge-id."

That was the argument stopper, the rock that blunted the scissors, the line that made any, otherwise competent provocateur, stop dead in their tracks, just short of breasting the tape first. You're fridge-id we would say in any decent school yard argument,best song, most good looking,who's full of shit,

In the semi cloistered environment of an all girls school (that thought it was posh but really wasn't), dealing with sexkindastuff was always tricky.Accusations of female anorgasmia worked for a while until:

" You're a moron, you duneven know what fridge-id is!" appeared from the mouth of forthright girl with hands on hips and chin thrust out.She was right.There it was, the paper to foil the scissor-blunting rock.

Very quick reflection could not fill in the gaps between a fridge and sex so best to roll the eyes , say harrumph and storm off in high dudgeonand. To really pull it off, you couldn't look back.

And so, the natural history of a sex life has proceeded in its many and varied forms for my cohort and their male counterparts. Fear of ignorance, ridicule and being found out as a naive twit have always jogged along side.

So we, at The Responder, have press ganged together an inauspicious panel to answer everyone's most simple and moronic questions relating to all matters sexy.

To assist you we have:

To protect the professional identities of any of these sad individuals (if they ever get through) we have, of course, used noms des plumes.And now, the FAQ'sOn scoring:

Does changing the sheets before going on a date increase your chances?

Alice: no the opposite, the pressure's on and you don't play your natural game. I once brought a whole new floral doona set and was so fired up spent the whole evening at the pub with risus sadonicus ( you know, the smile of tetany) plastered across my face...no one came near me.

Adrian: mmmh might give it a try...

Harry: I'm a big believer in the lucky undies, you have to kiss them before you put them on.

What's the go on sex on the first date?

Harry: Absolutely, I'm a big believer in 2 in the hand and one in the bush ...

Alice: well I was always a big fan of that one until I met this hippy kind of guy. At the hight of all the action he started howling like a wolf, I got the giggles and worried what the neighbours might think, couldn't bring my self to raise it during the post coital cup of coffee.I spend a bit longer sussing them out after that.

Adrian: no sex on the first date is a sad invention by heterosexuals designed to drive people insane, cause more road rage, unkindness to young children and little animals and generally waste time.

Any tips on scoring with the other half after kids?

Rosina:Having sex after children requires Vaseline! I was told this by a well knownfamily therapist. The Vaseline is applied to the door handle ofthe bedroom door to make sure small sleepy hands can't open it.

Any tips for firing up the other half if they have gone off the boil?Rosina: bit of fantasy always stirs things up. My favorite is the image of slowly sitting on to a Patterson's chocolate curl cake wearing only pearls, lace golves up to my armpits and high heels with partner watching...might do it one day. Otherwise next time you're at a boring ward round, as you all sit down imagine its dressed so onto the said chocolate cake.

Does driving a red throbbing sports car improve your chance of scoring?

Alice:red cars imply inadequate genitalia in the male. What about a Ute? I think psych reg's with utes could increase their chances. Especially the women.

Abstinence:

How long until you get your virginity cetificate back?

Rosina: women get their virginity certificate back after ummm, 3 years.

Harry: well as far as I know men get them back after 3 months.

Adrian: gay men-3 weeks. Scuse the steryotyping. My main concern is ESB (excessive sperm build up) I'm worried that it might set like concrete and that's the end and when things finally do happen I might explode.

And on that particularly low note we might just leave it!

Deeta Kimber