Before Exams
'Twas the night pre exams: a 'revised' satire
Wednesday, 23 June 2004
'Twas the night pre-exams, and all through the College,
the trainees were praying for last-minute knowledge.
In each tiny room, a trainee was pacing,
dreading the test they'd tomorrow be facing.
They all were so sleepy, but none touched their beds,
as clinical guidelines writhed round in their heads,
draining the coffee to brew a new pot,
nobody could sleep now - their nerves were all shot.
Slumped at their desks a few were now drinking,
hoping the liquor would loosen their thinking,
their thinking of vivas through brains that were muddy
while eyes twitched and blurred and they just could not study.
Then, quick as a synapse, there shot through the door
the Muse of Exams, and she sat on the floor.
She was draggled and ink-stained, her hair was a mess,
but she shone with conviction that she was the best!
"Let me help you!" she cried - "I know all the ways
to get through exams; Let us shock and amaze
the College with news of their brilliant trainees,
You will pass on your feet, not fail on your knees!
You will answer each question with style and elan.
You will know how to tell them your management plan.
Kraeplin and Bleuler, Winnicott, Klein,
will smile down upon you as you toe the line.
Ainslee and Yalom, Balint and Freud,
Roth, Kohut, Bion you should not avoid.
Tell them of Bowlby, of Veith and of Marks,
your results will be soaring in ambitious arcs.
"But how," said the trainees, "how can we do this?
How can we remember that research exists?
We are so deeply anxious that cortisol's grip
has seized our amygdalas. We know that we'll flip!"
"Let me show you" the Muse whispered. "Look in my eyes.
You're feeling quite sleepy, it would not be wise
to try and resist. Let your lids flutter shut
When you wake you will know all the research, uncut."
So with hypnotic power the Muse laid her spell.
The trainees all passed, and they all did so well
that the Fellowships Board waved a happy adieu
to other requirements, declaring them through!
Did this really happen? Alas, not a chance.
Wishful thinking alone may work to enhance
results of all trainees in pain in our midst;
it is to be hoped that some laughs may assist.
Angela Harte (past president Bi-national ANZAPT 2002/2003)